Family Matters

What better way is there to spend a gloomy weekend than by cleaning out a storage closet? I do this often, and one would think mine would be nearly empty by now. But, alas, the file boxes seem to be breeding and having new, little file boxes between purgings. As I moved things around, this time, I came upon a bright, red cardboard carton labeled “Family.” I knew it had file folders in it because my entire life is in file folders, but I didn’t remember what I had filed or why. So, I hauled it out and began to revisit the past.

There was a folder for each member of my immediate family: my mother, my father, my sister, and each of my daughters. We were all great letter writers before the advent of hastily tossed-off e-mails. There were letters to and from all of us — some hand written, others, typed. The letters conveyed apologies, confidences, congratulations, condolences, explanations, and the latest news from camp. Nothing went on in our family that did not make its way into a letter.

There were cards for every occasion and no occasion that eloquently said happy birthday, happy Mothers’ Day, I’m sorry, thank you, and I love you. There were report cards, college grades, and papers written for school. There were resumes and detailed applications for jobs. There was specially designed stationery with logos. (Who but my daughters would have their first resumes printed on designer letterhead?) There were photographs, though not many, because I filed them in different folders.

There were two-line notes my father used to send with money and many renderings of the “Good Ship Lollipop,” which I think was the only thing he ever drew. There were articles I wrote that I didn’t remember writing, my sister’s very funny “saga” about her daughter’s first year away at college, and the eulogies she and I wrote when our parents died.

We think we’ll never forget these things, but we are wrong. That’s why we keep scrapbooks and photo albums — so we will remember the moments of our lives. Maybe it’s my age that caused me look through that box to see what others might find someday. My younger daughter recalls when we were cleaning out my mother’s apartment and she came across a fancy gift ribbon. “Why would grandma have kept this? she asked. No one knew. Since then, she has been busy putting everything she owns in cute little containers with labels on them so there will be no such mysteries in her life.

Maybe that’s why I’m reexamining the contents of all my file boxes. I want people to know what mattered most to me and why.

Unconditional Love

In 1987 a new Stephen Sondheim play opened on Broadway, and I wanted to see it. This was not an idle whim; it was an obsession. It was also highly unlikely that it would ever happen. I couldn’t really afford to go or to stay in a hotel. I had used all my vacation time. My company wouldn’t pay for me to join a professional association let alone to send me to New York. Talk about dreaming the impossible dream. Yet, in October of that year, I watched the curtain rise on Into the Woods from what was surely the best seat in the house. What followed was magical.

Into the Woods is a morality play about fairy tale characters who all inhabit the same story. Their lives intersect as they seek the one thing they think will make them happy — a handsome prince, boundless treasure, adventure, freedom, lost beauty, and a baby. And when they get what they yearn for, they live happily ever after. And that’s the end of Act I.

How could a 50-year-old woman be obsessed with seeing a bunch of make-believe characters, including a frustrated witch, two womanizing princes, and a cowardly baker, sing and dance their hearts out for hours? And what does this have to do with my father? Well, that’s the real story.

Stephen Sondheim didn’t know my father, but he captured his essence when it came to make believe. My father was a gentle man with a beautiful, deep voice and a vivid imagination. He thought it quite natural to have characters show up in each other’s stories, where some of my friends insisted they didn’t belong. The original versions paled in comparison to his.

Into the Woods opened the same year my father died. The play was, in my mind, a kind of memorial. They say people we love hang around a while after they die just to be sure we are OK. He surely did, at least until I saw that play. In a theater full of people, I watched it alone, except for the very real presence of my father, who stayed just long enough to watch it with me.
My father never considered himself a successful man, and I was always puzzled by that.

Perhaps he felt he should have made more money, but I can't imagine what he could have provided that we didn't already have. He always had a generosity of spirit and of self that I have found in no other human being. His whole life gave testimony to the philosophy that the more love you give away, the more you have to give. And give it he did — consistently, constantly, endlessly.

Most of all, he gave it to my mother, for fifty years, in small ways and, occasionally, with extravagant gestures. No woman, I think, has ever been more loved by a man than she. He gave it to my sister and me and then to our daughters, three more additions to what we always called "Frank's harem.” But, he gave it, as well, to everyone he met on his journey through life — to his parents and brothers and sisters to those he worked with on the Long Island Railroad; to friends and to total strangers; and to every child he ever met who wanted to sit on his lap and hear his wonderful, slightly rearranged fairy tales.

I could list the things he did, his accomplishments, the specific acts of kindness I remember or others told me about. But, in truth, I would prefer to gather and share my own special memories of this man, who held my hand as we walked through the park and swept me into a magic world of make-believe with his wondrous stories and fanciful pipe dreams.

The things I remember may seem inconsequential — not the stuff of which a man's life can be defined. But, they are significant to me and help, somehow, to explain what made my father so special.

He could fix anything with his wonderful hands, no matter how mangled or hopeless the damage might seem. He could take himself and any child who wanted to accompany him into a world of fairies and princesses and wonder. He was a marvelous dancer, effortless and smooth, somehow trapping the music in his every movement and transmitting it to his partner. He was a helper, always rushing to do something for my mother or for us. He woke me in the morning with a hot cup of coffee; he was always first to do the unpleasant chores he wanted to spare us; but he is best remembered, I think, for removing the saucers from beneath our cups so he could beat all of us to cleaning off the dinner table.

He was a collector — of everything — especially memories. His dresser drawers and closets bulged with wonderful things he had saved for his children and grandchildren, and his mind was equally full of recalled treasures from the past. He loved history and baseball and things made of wood, but most of all, he loved the railroad. All his life, no matter how far from trains he may have strayed, Frank Levay was a railroad man.

I grew up on the railroad, riding back and forth between New York and Chicago. I slept in upper and lower births, in tiny compartments, and in spacious bedrooms. I ate meals in dining cars with white tablecloths and heavy silver coffee pots. I was watched over by tall, dignified porters who had promised to keep and eye on me during the trip. This was my father’s world and so it was mine.

I was an only child for the first eight-and-a-half years of my life and spent much of that time with him. My memories are like slides flashing on a screen: flying through the air on a swing until all I could see were thick green leaves dotted with patches of blue … watching beautiful ladies, whom my father called debutants, sweeping though fancy hotel lobbies … eating chicken chow mien in New York’s China Town … walking on top of a wall made of rocks and holding tight to his hand … and riding with the engineer in the cab of a brand new diesel engine.

We built a life together during my early years, and we rediscovered each other when I was a grown woman who reached out to my father and found that he was reaching out to me. He went blind, very suddenly, in his 70s, and never really adjusted to the loss of his sight. He was 79 when he died, leaving an unfillable void for the six of us who loved him.

All my life, he gave me one priceless gift — unconditional love. No strings, no living up to expectations, just being me was all I had to do to receive it. Few parents have the wisdom and strength to give that to their children. My father had both.

Doing Things the Hard Way

When one is directionally challenged, as I am, getting places can turn into my worst nightmare. Take today, for example. I wanted to get a printout of my lifetime earnings (Don’t ask why. It’s a long story). Being Internet savvy, I went to socialsecurity.org, filled out the requisite form, and hit submit. Flashing red messages told me I had made a mistake. My address was wrong. I rechecked it; it was right. In a standoff with a website, one never wins. After a frustrating 20 minutes of trying to convince unseen forces that I really do live at this address, I gave up and decided to drive to the nearest Social Security office.

But first, I had to find out where it was. I Googled Social Security in St. Louis and found two offices in the general vicinity of my neighborhood. So, off I went, trying to beat the “heavy rains” that were predicted for St. Louis,

Of course, I forgot my GPS, without which I’m helpless. I finally found the address, but it was not a Social Security office. It was a law firm with one attorney who specialized in Social Security matters. “Try calling Social Security,” the helpful receptionist suggested and offered me her phone. I called the 800 number and was informed that the options had changed and I should listen carefully to the new menu. I’ll spare you the never-ending “if you want this, press one; if you want that, press two” and all the questions that required verbal responses, which the frustrated voice recognition system didn’t recognize. I gave up and hung up.

“How about a phone book?” the receptionist asked, handing me the old, reliable white pages. (Key word here is old.) I looked up Social Security in the government section, found an address, and set off once again. Supposedly, the office was in a bank building not far from my house. For some reason, though, it wasn’t listed on the bank directory. The reason turned out to be that it had moved to another location — this time, far, far away from where I live. The rain had started as I dashed to my car.

Of course, I had no idea where the street was located (despite trying to decipher a street guide printed in two-point type), passed it by miles, and, in desperation, dashed through the rain to a storefront medical clinic to beg for help. With explicit directions, I finally found the street and the building and the office. My purse was searched, I was given a number, and I sat down to wait. When it was my turn, I went to the window and commented on my problems trying to find this particular office.

“Did you Google us?” the women behind the counter asked. I nodded. “Well, honey, that’s your problem,” she said. “The information on Google is wrong.” Wrong? Yes, wrong. I had spent hours trying to find the place, time waiting for my turn, and more time driving back through the rain in rush hour traffic. I was exhausted and had wasted the whole afternoon going somewhere I didn’t need to go, all because a website, Google, automated telephone technology, and the phone book had conspired to complicated my already complicate life.

Later, I mentioned my travails to my daughter, who said, “Mom, I think Social Security automatically sends that printout every year. Are you sure you didn’t get one in the mail?” I don’t even want to look!

Looking Back on "Women's Lib"

In the beginning, there was a book. It was called The Feminine Mystique, and it started a revolution. The year was 1963. The thing about revolutions, though, is that they don’t happen all at once. It takes a long time for those at the back of the parade to get in step with those in the front, all of whom are marching to music only they can hear. Women like Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinem and Bella Abzug were leading this parade, and they were light years ahead of the rest of us.

The whole concept of “women’s lib” was uncharted territory to those of us who were still waxing our floors in shirtwaist dresses and Mary Jane shoes, driving nursery school carpool in our shiny, new station wagons, and putting dinner on the table every night at 6:00, just as our mothers did.

Let me tell you how I finally got in step. I was tricked into it by a soft-spoken, white gloved, closet feminist. Ever so gently, she convinced me to invite a group of my friends to meet once a week to watch a program on Channel 9 and talk about it. That was all we had to do: watch and talk. She never said the words women’s liberation or consciousness raising. She never suggested that we would be in the forefront of a powerful movement. She just said it might be interesting.

The program, which originated in California (probably at Berkeley), was called “Choice, Challenge For American Women.” It had one simple but compelling message: Ladies, you have choices. How you live your life is up to you.

Week after week, we watched that program and talked, and talked. Week after week, we began to awaken to a new reality. Can you imagine the sound of a room full of young wives and mothers having a palpable aha moment, all at the same time? Our sudden sense of freedom left us breathless. It was 1970, seven years after The Feminine Mystique was published.

I went home and told my husband I wanted to get a job. He thought I was kidding … or crazy. He didn’t think I could possibly mean it. In fact, all over the country, there were husbands in a collective state of shock. We had obviously lost our minds. To prove it, we went back to school, to work, to our typewriters and easels and pianos, and forward to long-delayed careers and single motherhood, if necessary.

To have choices was intoxicating. Understand, it’s not that we didn’t have them before; it’s that we didn’t know we had them. Can you fathom that fewer than 40 years ago we were oblivious to something as fundamental as having the right to choose?

Little by little, of course, we got used to idea. We stretched ourselves and reached out to other women. We encouraged our daughters to ask for what they wanted and refuse to take no for an answer. We even invented a new word (well, Gloria Steinem did) “Ms.” Most of us didn’t chant slogans, or burn our underwear (that’s a myth, by the way), or get all bent out of shape when a man held a door open for us.

We just kept doing whatever it was we had chosen to do, as well as we could possibly do it. And those of who really understood what women’s liberation was all about learned to respect those among us who made different choices from ours.

This revolution, which began 46 years ago, embraced different causes, different colors, and different ages. It was never exclusive, and it was never about being right. Rather, it was about having the right to hear a different drummer … and step to the music we heard, however measured or far away.

Dispelling the Worry Demon

I have a close personal relationship with worry, and apparently we have been together for a long time. I don’t remember how old I was when my mother bought me a copy of Dale Carnegie’s How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. It had a lot of good ideas but no real, long-term effect.

I’ve been worrying a lot lately. I have list of topics to worry about. After 9/11, I worried about how life as we know it can change on a dime. Then, I worried about the war in Iraq and the thousands of servicemen and woman who were killed or wounded beyond repair. I worried about politics nonstop. Of course, my current worry is the economy, which is helped along by an unending flow of news and commentary on how bad it is and how the world is slip sliding away into a depression. I worry about my family a lot. When something is bothering one of my daughters, I ruminate on her problem until I find myself skipping meals and waking up at night.

Of course, I know worry is as useless an emotion as guilt. It gets me nowhere and certainly doesn’t lead to doing anything constructive that might dispel it. According to Wikipedia (yes, I really did look it up):

“Worry is an emotion in which a person feels anxious or concerned about a real or imagined issue, ranging from personal issues such as health or finances to broader issues such as environmental pollution and social or technological change.” Well at least I'm worrying about the same things other people are.

“About one in four people, have chronic worry … which can cause heart attacks, high blood pressure, ulcers, gastrointestinal problems, muscular aches and pains, skin rashes, eczema, respiratory problems and asthma.” That is very scary.

So, what to do? Being a modern, savvy traveler in cyberspace, I Googled my topic and found Dr. Edward Hallowell, psychiatrist and author of Worry. He suggests the following:

• Don’t worry alone; talk to a friend.
• Find out more about the issue; check your facts.
• Make a plan and take action.
• Take "care of your brain" (sleep, exercise, eat healthy).
• Seek human contact (hugs are good).
• Let go of the problem.

I’m sure this is all good advice, but it is nothing I haven’t heard before. Actually, it seems a bit simplistic. When I was worried about the war in Iraq and talked to my friends, they were all equally worried, and we just reinforced each other’s anxiety. The same is true of the present state of the economy. The only thing on that list that makes any real sense is “let go of the problem.” That’s tough but doable. It will take an act of sheer will to put my pet demons out of my mind.

As I wrote that line, I could just imagine myself shoving a little demon out the door, turning the key, and stacking tables and furniture against it to prevent him from getting back in. I’ll bet neither Dale Carnegie or Edward Howell ever thought of that.

Memories of my Mother

I am feeling quite philosophical. For one thing, my mother died 10 years ago today. For another, tomorrow is my birthday (not great timing). While it sometimes seems that time is dragging, when I realize that it has been a decade since I last spoke to my mother, I am stunned. I have often felt that, in some inexplicable way, she is more present now than when she was alive. Today, as I think of her, I am rereading what I wrote 10 years ago. Every word still resonates.

First and foremost, my mother was her own person — a liberated woman long before anyone ever heard that phrase. She spoke her mind; she did her own thing; and she exhibited a strength few women I know can equal.

She lived every minute of her 91-1/2 years. She was bright, funny, engaging, and fully engaged in life. She celebrated every birthday as a gift and didn’t seem to notice her age until this past year. But even as she began to slow down a bit, she still managed to read a book a day.

She was intelligent, multi-talented, and capable. It always seemed to me that anything I could do, she could do just a little bit better — from knitting and sewing to finding mistakes in something I had just proofread.

She knew the value of education and went back to work twice to help send both of us to college. Her own education was a result of voracious reading and constant honing of her abundant skills.

She had a direct, personal relationship with God and talked to Him every day. She lived her Judaism in spirit and in deed and honored her own mother by keeping the Sabbath holy.

She had a razor sharp wit, an indomitable sense of humor, and a will of iron. Her face and gestures were eloquently expressive; her love of books was contagious; and her pride in everything we achieved propelled us through life.

She forged and sustained a tightly knit family and instilled in us a strong value system that we, in turn, have tried to keep alive for our daughters.

Most of all, she loved us — all of us — her husband, her daughters, her sons-in-law, and her three beautiful granddaughters. She loved completely, as she lived life, with spontaneous affection, generosity, and zest.

Of all the things she gave us over the years, the gift we will treasure most is her love.

The Reality of This Recession

Sometimes, I think I live in a cave. Its not that I don’t know we’re in a recession. It’s not that I don’t hear about it 10 times a day on NPR, which is the only news that squeaks through my blockade. It’s not that I am unaware of the thousands upon thousands of people who are laid off each week, or the stores that are closing all around me, or the 75 percent off sales everywhere I look. But after eight years of orange alerts and dire warnings and fear, I have become somewhat inured to bad news. It was so bad for so long, and I felt so helpless, that I stopped reading, watching, or listening to the news.

What finally brought the reality of this recession home to me were two conversations about education. One was with the St. Louis Community College, where I teach writing. Registration for my non-credit class is down this semester, as it was last semester. And it’s not just my class; it’s all classes, on all campuses of the community college. People are cutting back, and one of the ways they’re doing it is by not taking classes they don’t need. How many people really need to learn how to write a nonfiction book?

The community college discontinued the separate catalogs for each campus, which people were used to receiving. That probably confused a lot of would-be students. They seem to have discontinued the person who interacted with the instructors, as well. That definitely confused me. I have no idea whom to call when I have a question. So, I call the continuing ed office, where I am told they are in the midst of reorganization. What does that mean? I ask. "It means we may not even be offering the program in the future," I am told. What program? "The continuing education program." I hang up in a daze.

This morning, I was telling a friend about this development. “My daughter is on the strategic planning committee for one of the branches of the university,” she says, "and she just heard they might be closing." Closing? Closing what? I ask. “That branch of the university,” she replies. “I don’t know how she will get her degree if they close the whole campus.”

Suddenly, I am hit with the enormity of this recession — how widespread and deep it is, how it reaches into ever crevice of our society, how many lives it is touching and in many cases ruining. There is no response to my friend’s dismal observation. What can one say?