The Lost Art of Conversation

When I took Spanish in high school the first sentences I learned were Como esta usted? Muy bien, gracious. Y usted? They meant, How are you? Very well, thank you. And you? The English equivalent is similar: How've you been? or How're you doing? The answer is some variation on I'm fine, It's all good, or whatever the expression of the moment may be.

It didn't occur to me until recently (no kidding) that this is a scripted conversation opener—a way of saying Hello. When I ask someone how she is, I really want to know. I assumed for years that the other person wanted to know how I was. Not so. If I deviated from the script, I noticed her eyes glaze over. All people want to hear is Fine thank you; how are you? I'm a slow learner, but I've got it now.

Still to be worked on is the problem of leading questions. They drive me mad. Business is good? You're feeling fine? It's all good, right? All I have to say is yes or right. But sometimes, to be perverse, I just want to scream, No, business is lousy, thank you, just to get a reaction.

For years, I wrote about communication skills, the most important of which is active listening—paying attention, drawing the other person out, tuning in to nonverbal cues. How are you doing? or How have you been? is a conversation opener that might lead to all sorts of answers besides Fine.

It was all a lovely exercise on paper, but not one that takes place in the fast-paced world in which we live. Sometimes, people don't even have time to get out a full sentence. For example, they have shortened How are you? to Wassup? I don't even know what the answer to that might be.